


Connie Swap Episode 12: Perfect Parenting

by br42, BurdenKing, CoreyWW, MjStudioArts



Series: Connie Swap [12]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Art, Backstory, Bad Parenting, Comfort Food, F/M, Food, Gen, Momswap, Nerdiness, Parenthood, Pictures, Reading, Reading Aloud, Sleepovers, Slice of Life, Steven Universe AU, The Lord of the Rings References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-10 05:43:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11685270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurdenKing/pseuds/BurdenKing, https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MjStudioArts/pseuds/MjStudioArts
Summary: Events transpire leaving Jasper alone in the Beach House to look after Connie and her human friend.





	1. Having a Blast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT (9/30/17): There is a relevant piece of fan art that has been added in the post-chapter notes section. Be sure to check it out.

Connie and Steven were sitting on the couch in the Beach House, watching the microwave’s clock closely.

It was February 28th and at 10:00am and Connie’s phone still hadn’t rang.

With agonizing slowness the display changed to ‘10:01.’

Steven leapt up, arms raised overhead in victory. “Whoo! Optimism and a belief in the fundamental goodness of humanity wins!”

Connie rolled her eyes while smiling. “You know, Uncle Marco could still have lost his key. Maybe he didn't call because he lost his phone too.”

Steven took on a look of saintly sagacity and replied, “Don’t think of it as losing a bet, padawan. Think of it as winning a little faith in your fellow man. That’s an important part of a balanced, Light-side diet.”

Connie nodded, her expression serious. “Wise words, sir. Wise words indeed.” Then she added, smirking, “But you only get to call me ‘padawan’ if you can levitate your winnings over to you.”

Steven wiggled his fingers at the small pile of junk food they’d pooled together and made a ‘~wooo~’ noise. When the candy failed to hover over he shrugged and said, “I may not be a Jedi but I do have gummy worms and Pocky, which is nearly as good,” then began gathering up his spoils.

Connie’s phone rang. It was 10:03. The display said, ‘Uncle Marco.’

Steven tossed Connie the apartment key that was sitting nearby then passed her the phone. “How about we call it a draw?”

* * *

Connie and Steven walked to the apartment complex on the west side of Thayer street (the east side being given over almost entirely to Lighthouse Park), munching on their snacks as they went.

A large moving truck was pulled up, the door open and the ramp, down. A fit-looking man and a powerfully built woman were sitting on the back of the truck, chatting and idly passing a bag of jerky back and forth. A red-headed man in slacks and a collared shirt was sitting on the hood of his car. He waved when he saw the pair approaching.

Connie and Steven waved back. “Hi Uncle Marco!” she called, cupping her hands to her mouth.

He slid down off his car --it wasn’t the same one that had left him stranded on the roadside three Harvest Festivals ago and it certainly wasn’t the one he had taken to see the Mr. Universe concert in Beach City back when Doug and Citrine first met, but it was an obvious junker like all the others had been-- and jogged over. 

“Hey Douglet,” he said to Connie, employing the nickname he’d been using since as far back as she could remember. “Who’s your… whoa! Miniverse!” he exclaimed at Steven.

“Wha- Oh, hi! It’s cool running into you again,” said Steven, smiling.

Connie stopped in her tracks, giving a confused look between the off-duty security guard and the bushy-haired boy. “You two know each other?”

“Marco was the security guard that took Marty away when he got angry at the meeting about the burger jingle. We hung out a little bit beforehand; he knows a lot of good jokes,” he explained.

 _Oh, that’s who Steven was talking about. I thought he called him ‘Mako’ or something,_ thought Connie with the mental equivalent of a shrug.

“I was also a stammering goober the moment his parents walked into the elevator. You see all sorts in this job but not many of ‘em are on your mp3 player too. Also, yeah, I got to haul mister shark teeth out of there since the poor guy was peeved about being only ten mil richer. World’s smallest violin and all that,” said Marco, crouched down and smiling at the teens.

“Yo, boss! They got the key? Because, if not, Carol here’s a firefighter during the week and she can totally kick down a flimsy apartment door, can’t ya Carol?” shouted the man on the back of the truck, the burly woman nodding in response.

Marco’s eyes went wide. “Ulp! You can tell they’re paid by the job, not the hour. You better give me the key, Douglet, before Doug loses his security deposit the first week renting the place.”

Connie, who had already been withdrawing the key, tossed it to her dad’s longtime friend. He waved it overhead at the movers. “That won’t be necessary. On that note, Carol, have you considered the rewarding career that is working security? You get to meet rockstars and toss around sleazeballs~” he finished with a singsong lilt to his voice.

The pair of movers were already in motion hauling a heavy-looking cabinet towards the apartment stairwell. Carol chuckled as Marco jogged alongside her. “I’m listening,” she said with a smile.

* * *

The moving van pulled away. At Marco’s invitation, Connie and Steven were already sitting on the hood of his crappy car, sipping the sodas he’d handed them (and Carol and her fellow mover) from the ice chest he kept in his back seat.

Marco chuckled and tucked into a pant pocket the scrap of paper on which Carol had jotted her contact info. “Ol’ Doug needs to move more often. ‘Course I might end up in traction with a-”

Connie cleared her throat, unable to repress the smile of Uncle Marco being, well, Uncle Marco.

The ginger swung his head around and noticed the pair of young teens he was talking to. Without pause he finished his sentence saying, “-classy lady like her helping me with my fitness regimen. You know she works out.” Marco coughed into his fist then said, “Anyway, thanks for bailing me out. I’d ask you to apologize to your dad for me about the key but he probably expected me to lose it anyway.”

Scrambling up onto the hood himself, he laid back on the windshield and added, “Besides, I already owe him big for throwing more work my way then I can take, so what’s the cost of a key replacement added on?” he asked rhetorically.

“You and Mr. Maheswaran work together?” asked Steven between sips of his drink.

“Me and Doug? Naw. If we shared more than a shift together then I think ol’ Doug would pull some of his fancy space kung fu on me and leave me unconscious in a supply closet somewhere. But mister workaholic is referring me for every job he’s trying to get rid of so he can move in here and see more of this gal,” he said, ruffled Connie’s hair.

She waved him off with a good-natured protest.

“It’s a good idea,” continued Marco. “I knew Doug would figure it out eventually. I guess he finally realized his little girl wasn’t getting any smaller.”

Connie had her drink go down the wrong pipe and had to spend a few seconds coughing and sputtering before she was better.

Once Steven was satisfied with Connie’s recovery he said, “Well, mom and dad settled down in Beach City so we could do more family stuff together; it’s a little harder when you’re moving around and they’re performing all the time. I guess Connie’s dad is doing kinda the same.”

Marco nodded. “Makes sense. I’m still gonna have to kick his butt next time I see him for not telling me or Nat or Dave that Douglet was dating rockstar junior.”

This time both Steven and Connie choked on their sodas.

Marco looked at the pair in a moment’s confusion then his eyes widened. Smacking his lips he said, “Yup, shoe leather. She already knows this,” he said gesturing to Connie, “but a word of advice, Miniverse: Uncle Marco puts his foot in his mouth all the time. It’s kind of my signature move, to be honest, so don’t listen to me too closely.”

Once the pair had regained their composure, Marco was quick to move the conversation along by saying, “Actually, Douglet, I ran into your old man just after New Year’s.”

“Really?” replied Connie, happy for the subject change.

“Yeah. So, I go in to get a drink from a favorite watering hole when I find Doug at the bar sipping something stiff. He said he’d had a ‘Boss Fight’ or something like that. Anyway, we moved to a table, shared some fries and shot the breeze for a while when this lady walks in and joins us. A little older but she’d taken good care of herself, you know what-” and Marco had another mid-sentence pivot, “with her being a doctor and all.”

“Oh?” asked Connie, her expression unreadable. “What, uh, what’d you think of her?”

Steven leaned forward so he could see Connie on the other side of Marco, his brows furrowing in a mix of concern and confusion.

Marco was staring up into the middle distance and noticed none of this. “She was nice. Polite. Plenty smart; she and you are a lot alike in that respect,” he said, once more ruffling Connie’s hair but this time eliciting a more muted reaction.

Moving on, Marco continued, “Had sad eyes, though. Well, ‘cept when she was looking at Doug. If she’s who I think she is, well, that’s another thing Doug took forever figuring out. It hasn’t been easy for him, though I know I don’t need to tell you that.”

Marco looked back to find Connie looking a little stricken and Steven fiddling with his hearing aids while stealing glances at Connie. Marco closed his eyes and mouthed something self-deprecating before he put on an excited expression and clapped his hands together enthusiastically.

“Hey! While I was wandering around trying to find the apartment I saw a donut place not too far from here. Why don’t we pile into the Marcomobile version five-point-oh and I’ll perform my uncle-y duties by buying you all something unhealthy? I’ve even got some Mr. Universe I can blast on the way there.”

* * *

Connie was excited that morning even as she felt a little morbid about the exact circumstances for it. Regardless of the cause, though, Steven was on his way over right now and he’d be staying for a full week.

The lights overhead flickered slightly, prompting Peridot to glance up from her kitchen cleaning and glare at them disapprovingly. She tutted and then noticed Connie wolfing down her omelet and guzzling her juice. Leaving the washing up to a subroutine, Peridot focused on the girl, chiding her by saying, “Slow yourself, Connie. If you continue to consume your breakfast at that pace you are likely to suffer digestive issues.”

Connie swallowed and wiped her face with a napkin. “Sorry, ma’am, I’m just really excited.” She then tried to eat slower… while Peridot was watching.

“You’re allowed to be excited, just pace yourself. Steven will be in no rush, I’m sure,” said the technician.

That didn’t match Connie’s mental image of Steven but she refrained from correcting Peridot, saying instead, “Thank you again for allowing him to stay here while Mr. and Mrs. Universe are out of town.”

Peridot nodded. “Mary and I spoke and we both agreed it was the best thing for parental units and the Steven alike. This is undoubtedly a very hard time for them; losing a loved one always is…” and she trailed off as she looked down.

The fingers kept to their task, though.

With a sigh, Peridot looked up and fixed Connie with another stare. “I gave the Universe matriarch my personal assurance that I would look after the Steven unwaveringly while they were away. I expect you to act in accordance with that goal: no warp whistle shenanigans, no rough housing within the Beach House, and no indulgent food or media consumption.”

Connie nodded while chewing, downed the last of her juice, wiped her mouth on her napkin, then said, "I understand, ma'am. I'll make sure Steven and I-" but the sound of footsteps coming up the outside stairs caused anything further she was going to say to be completely forgotten.

Connie flew out of her seat, ignoring an admonishment from Peridot, and ran outside.

Peridot shook her head but her eyes were smiling behind the visor.

"-torn garment to symbolize our grief," explained Mary as three Universes and a Maheswaran entered the Beach House.

Connie, leading a rolling briefcase that contained roughly half of Steven's collection of board games and comics, nodded along looking somber.

The hirsute Mr. Universe, setting down the bag containing the other half of Steven's collection, chuckled and said, "It's the restriction on shaving that hits me the hardest."

Mary rolled her eyes and playfully swatted her husband's shoulder. "Keep laughing, mister. We'll see if that sense of humor survives the week with my extended family." 

Then, setting down the bag of equal parts Mr. Universe tees and hair care products, Mary pulled Steven into an expansive hug. "I want you and Connie to have oodles of fun while we're away... someone should," she stage whispered. "Be a good guest. Listen to miss Peridot. Keep your ears charged."

Steven nodded along, hugged his mom back fiercely, then ran over and hugged his dad with equal fervor.

Several more rounds of hugs and farewells and thanks to Peridot and Connie for hosting Steven took place. Connie had noticed long ago that the Universe family didn't separate quickly and this time was certainly no exception.

Extending his pinky, pointer finger, and thumb, Steven signed 'I love you' to his parents, which they returned as the door closed behind them.

There were the sounds of footsteps descending the stairs and then, for a moment, all was quiet within the Beach House.

There was a chime and a flash of light and then Jasper was standing on the warp pad.

There were numerous minor lacerations across the warrior's arms and torso, but Jasper showed no sign of concern or discomfort. "The Sky Arena is clear of crystal bats."

Something small was thrashing inside the Quartz's voluminous hair. “Hey Jasper, you’ve got a thing...” said Connie pointing.

The stoic gem ran her fingers through her mane, coming up with a tiny stowaway that was all wings and teeth. With a one-handed squeeze, the creature vanished in a tiny puff of smoke. "The Sky Arena is _now_ clear of crystal bats," the Quartz corrected.

Steven turned to Connie and stage whispered, "I love hanging out at your place!"

Jasper stared at Steven for a moment and squinted. She looked at Connie and mouthed, 'Pizza?' Connie shook her head.

Jasper rolled her eyes, then looked at Steven. "Hello human. Connie told me you would be dwelling here for a week and that I should 'be friendly.'" The warrior gestured to the kitchen area where Peridot was working diligently. "We have food. You should eat some."

Satisfied with a job well done, Jasper walked over and leaned on the kitchen divider nearest the warp pad. She gave Peridot a grunt of friendly acknowledgement.

"Very good, Jasper," said Peridot, having finished cleaning the kitchen, replaced the offending overhead bulbs with fresh ones, identified the sound of mechanical wear on the refrigerator's compressor (and scheduled it for maintenance later in the evening), as well as completing some early preparations for the nutritionally balanced lunch she had planned. "If you would, please convey the training equipment up to the arena. Connie, Steven, and I will be along shortly."

Jasper muttered something under her breath.

Peridot tutted. "We've discussed this and, Quartz or no, Connie should learn basic marksmanship."

Jasper gave a scowl before sliding back into her typical expression of alert disinterest. She shoved off the kitchen counter with creak, then strode through the Temple door and began hauling stuff to the warp pad. 

During these trips ten ersatz robonoids marched out in something approximating single file and (eventually) made it up onto the warp pad as well.

Steven gave a little squeal of delight watching the troupe's progress.

After the group vanished in another flash of light, Steven ran a brief victory lap around the living room before hopping onto one of the kitchen stools. "I've been here for, like, ten minutes and it's already super awesome!" he cried.

Connie came and sat down beside him, grinning as she was swept up in his enthusiasm.

Peridot had meanwhile been busy consulting some hologrammatic checklists and confirming the status of a multitude of temple and gem structure systems. She flagged several for subsequent repairs and then closed the whole of them. 

Turning on Steven, she said, "Per Jasper's invitation, if you require any sustenance before we warp, now would be the optimal time to request it."

Steven waved her off politely. "No thank you, ma'am. I had, like, three bowls of cereal this morning. I did want to ask you something if that's alright."

Peridot nodded. "Proceed with your inquiry."

"Should I be wearing a nametag or something? Because I've never really felt like Jasper... knew who I was. Does she only see the world in threat-vision or something since she's a fighter alien?" he asked, scratching one ear.

Peridot shook her head. "Firstly, Jasper was made here on Earth and so would be considered an Earthling despite not sharing in the dominant paradigm for terrestrial life. Secondly, Jasper’s vision is no different from any other gem’s. The only outliers I'm aware of are Citrines, who possess superior visual acuity-" a statement which prompted Connie to frown a little and polish her glasses, "-and Sapphires which, naturally, have poor depth perception."

Steven blinked and signed a few words while trying to parse the Green gem's lecture. Peridot continued. "As for the merit of an identifying label, unlike me or... Lapis," and the name hung in the air for a moment before Peridot continued, "Jasper has chosen to focus on aspects of the merit and beauty of planet Earth other than those associated with humanity."

Steven pondered this for a time before hazarding, "You mean, like, sunsets and puppies and chocolate?"

Peridot grimaced. "The apparent motion of the Earth's star, perhaps, but otherwise... not as such. Jasper is a gem who appreciates the very slow and the very quick. The frenetic pace of combat as well as the gradual workings of the Earth's complex systems fascinate her. I have witnessed her spend most of a day watching the activities of the crustaceans and mollusks within a tidal pool, for example, and remarking upon how that viewing had differed from a century prior."

"So, people move too fast... but not fast enough?" said Steven, his brow furrowed.

"Yes..." answered Peridot causing Steven to smile. "...aaand no," she finished, the smile dropping off the boy's face.

"Hmm, permit me to illustrate my point." There was the whine of a printer as a piece of paper extended out of one of Peridot's limb enhancers. "Consider this alpha-numeric play on words," she said, laying the sheet on the table where the it showed, '10CAN' printed in a large font.

"Ten can?" said Steven aloud. "Oh, tin can, like sodas."

Peridot nodded. "Very good. I suspect to most humans and gems, that would be their interpretation. However, the digits 'one zero' can be used to represent the value ten in decimal or the value two in binary. In this metaphor, a gem like Jasper interprets the world a little differently and so would think it said 'two can', or 'toucan' such as the large-beaked jungle avian. Two perspectives which take the same input and yet arrive at different, though valid, outputs."

Steven looked up from the paper with a thoughtful expression. "Wow. So, like, you and Lapis see humans as neat and exciting and all different from each other but you probably see a bunch of trees and think, 'oh, it's just a bunch of trees,' and you don't bother giving them names or wondering what they do all day but Jasper sees me and, I dunno, thinks Connie really likes playing around trees and doesn't really notice that it's me instead of Peedee or Sadie."

Peridot blinked and mouthed a few words while trying to parse the boy's response. "That is broadly correct, yes. You seem to have a knack for simulating the perspectives of others, Steven."

Steven grinned at the praise and received a congratulatory fistbump from Connie.

His friend then said, "So, Steven, how would you like to travel through a warp column up to a floating sky arena to watch Peridot show off her new training blasters?"

Steven's face went slack and slowly his eyes unfocused. He seemed to contemplate the space in front of him. Then, in a voice of quiet reverence, he said, "Connie, I think you just won at language because that has to be the single best thing anyone has ever said."

* * *

With a chime and a flash of light the three materialized, Connie and Peridot grasping in vain for Steven, who face-planted into the warp pad.

“I-I’m okay!” he called out sitting up and rubbing his nose. Connie held back a chuckle. Peridot let out a sigh.

“This way children,” and she gestured for them to follow.

Steven, boggling at the impossible architecture around him, scrambled to his feet, turned to Connie, and said, "Race you!" before sprinting towards the stairs.

Connie made a cry of surprise and excitement before giving chase, Peridot's admonishments for care being muscled aside by unadulterated, childish glee.

When they reached the top, the sundered arena laid out before them and surrounded by clouds, Steven stopped and let out an impressed, "Whoooaaa." Connie was less over-awed, having visited the location several times previously, but she was once again swept up in her friend's enthusiasm.

The pair beamed at one another and giggled like little maniacs.

Peridot caught up with them and, in a didactic tone said, "This is the Sky Arena, Steven, where several key battles for Earth took place. Now, you two please take a seat while I proceed to the arena floor to inspect and introduce the equipment."

Steven nearly tripped in his haste to comply, still goggling at his surroundings. Connie was close behind, if a bit more graceful.

Below, Jasper had clearly finished setting up and was now pacing restlessly. 

Scattered around were custom-built target dummies, some in pristine condition and others visibly the worse for wear. A large greenish cube which reflected light with an iridescent sheen occupied a place of prominence at the edge of the arena's floor. Several objects that looked vaguely like Peridot's limb enhancers were arrayed beside it.

"Thank you, Jasper. I appreciate you assisting despite your misgivings," said Peridot as she reached the arena floor.

Jasper gave a curt nod and then strode a little ways over to give the technician space and a reprieve from Jasper’s aura of unvoiced displeasure.

Pitching her voice up so Steven and Connie could hear her clearly in the stands, Peridot said, "Power sources are one of the major limiting factors in utilizing the Era-1 tech scattered across the Earth; most such sources are either massive, integrated power plants or comparatively short-lived power cells. The other option, of course, is to harness a gem directly as a power source, but there are numerous technical and ethical concerns associated with that as well."

The technician then gestured to the large cube. "Using some of the recently acquired Sea Shrine salvage, I have been able to return this power station to functionality: it will wirelessly broadcast the needed energy to these," and she motioned to the trio of limb enhancer-like items, "training blasters of my own design. I want to assure you, Connie, that these blasters would require a much greater power source than this," and she patted the cube affectionately, "to be a danger."

From up in the stands came a cheer of, "Hooray for stuff not being dangerous!"

Connie chuckled at Steven's outburst and added, "Hooray for shooting stuff!"

Peridot grinned.

Jasper snorted dismissively. Somehow.

Peridot, with a little bounce in her gravity connectors, gestured broadly and said, "In order to give a proper demonstration I'm going to need a volunteer."

Steven’s hand began to rise before Connie swiftly pushed it back down.

The robonoids took this as their cue, and each began scrambling and tussling with one another to be the first into the exoskeleton. While most of the others were busy in their own melees, Doris managed to clamber up and into the cockpit. With a few twitches to the controls, the mid-sized mecha lifted a hand overhead.

"I see Doris has taken the lead today. Very good. Now, I'll need you to walk your training surrogate precisely ten meters away so that I can pepper you with a few shots from the training blaster," explained Peridot.

By the end of the Green gem's instructions, the exoskeleton's posture had shifted from eager to reluctant. Doris began to sidle out of the cockpit when Peridot wiggled a floating finger at her. "No backing out, Doris. Assume your position on the firing range."

From the group of nine robonoids came a tinny tittering noise.

Peridot placed the training blaster up to her right 'arm,' the blaster's stock opening and extending to engulf a length of her limb enhancer.

She took aim, planting her feet securely, then a blast of green energy shot out. It struck the training surrogate squarely in its center of mass, causing it to stumble backwards a step. With two more shots, it was on its back.

Peridot raised the barrel to her lips, blew the smoke from the end, then turned to face the cheering pair up in the bleachers.

“Simple as that,” she said with a look of satisfaction.

Jasper rolled her eyes.

“Alright, Connie come join me,” Peridot called as she pressed a button on the blaster's stock that caused it to open and release her limb enhancer.

Connie approached as Peridot held the blaster out to her, kneeling down slightly. She slid the stock over the girl's arm until it was up to her elbow, then pressed the button that caused it to mold snugly to her skin.

"Whoa, that feels weird," said Connie.

"But not uncomfortable, I hope," asked Peridot. Connie gave her a thumbs up with her free hand, prompting Peridot to continue. "Inside you should feel an articulated grip. That grip is actually the blaster's internal controls, enabling you to fire the weapon in addition to toggling modes, blast strength, and the desired range limit. Or rather, it would if I hadn't enabled the level one training mode. Until I authorize otherwise, the blaster will only fire on the 'mild butterfly sneeze' power setting. Now, place your fingers lightly around the grip but do not squeeze."

Connie nodded, doing as she was told. Peridot then guided her into the correct firing stance. A dejected looking exoskeleton had meanwhile shuffled back into position.

Standing to the side of the girl, Peridot said, "Very good. Now, aim down the barrel using the targeting reticule to line up your shot. When you are ready, squeeze the grip to blast, or more accurately, gently shove your target."

Steven cupped his hands to his mouth and shouted, "Gooo Connie! You look like Megaman. No, wait, Mega-ma'am!"

Connie smiled, her cheeks flushing a little in the process. That her gemstone began to glow softly and her hair began to frizz out went unnoticed. Connie raised the blaster into position, drew a bead on mecha-Doris, lightly squeezed the trigger, and a pea-sized bolt of green energy shot forward. 

It struck its target and the surrogate swayed almost imperceptibly.

Peridot nodded. "Very good, now-"

A moment later a continuous stream of the bolts shot from the barrel, the barrage forcing mecha-Doris to raise its hands defensively and lean into the impacts to keep from losing balance.

"Connie! Release the firing mechanism this instant!"

Connie jumped, not all of her staticky hair settling back into place in the process. "I did!"

The blaster had begun to feel warm around Connie's arm.

"No matter. I'm remotely closing the firing aperture."

The stream of projectiles ended but the blaster was beginning to make a faint humming noise.

"Hmm, let me toggle my visor to bring up the diagn-OH MY STARS!"

"Ma'am?" asked Connie, worried.

"But- That doesn't- Where is it even getting that much- That's it. I'm broadcasting the release sequence."

Peridot did something on a holographic display. Nothing happened except that noise coming from the blaster had risen in volume.

"Gah! V-Very well, I'm manually engaging the release mechanism," and Peridot began to tap commands rapidly onto a panel on the blaster's side.

In four quick strides, Jasper had approached the pair. "Peridot?" she asked, eyebrows raised.

The blaster was definitely feeling hot now and curls of smoke were rising from the barrel.

"The blaster contains a built-in fail-safe to prevent its removal while firing. Th-That way it'd be anatomically impossible for Connie to accidentally hit anywhere vital on herself. The firing capacitor isn't discharging... or it's powering faster than it can discharge. Regardless, the fail-safe is engaged and I can't override it!" said Peridot in near-panic.

Connie grimace at the heat on her forearm. The noise had risen an octave.

"I'm breaking it off her," said Jasper, large hands already reaching out.

"No!" shouted Peridot, shoving a limb enhancer in Jasper's way. "The whole thing could explosively discharge if you did that, to say nothing of the risk of you wrenching or fracturing Connie's arm in the process."

"Ma'am?!" cried Connie before coughing from some of the noxious smoke.

"Peridot! Fix this, now, or I will," growled Jasper, looming to Connie's left.

Peridot leapt to Connie's right, her floating fingers becoming a blur of activity. "Yes, I'll patch my limb enhancer to the blaster's power conduit and shunt the excess energy into my own hardware. Mine should be more than robust enough to absorb it and, with the capacitor discharged, the release command should take effect immediately. Shunting in 5-" and a cable snaked from one of her limb enhancers into a panel on the blaster.

The blaster had risen to a shriek. 

"4-"

Up in the stands, Steven was frozen in a mixture of fear and indecision.

"3-"

Jasper's teeth were clenched, her hands inches away from the blaster and her finger tips twitching. 

"2-"

Connie was looking back and forth between the blaster and Peridot, an inch from open panic.

In the span of a half-second there was a flash of one, then two, then dozens of red warning messages across the inside of Peridot's visor. Her eyes widened in surprise for the briefest of moments...

_Explosive overload is imminent. Controlled discharge is no longer possible. Fail-safes prevent removal, discharge through the barrel could result in a radial eruption of shrapnel_ [unacceptable risk of harm to Connie], _port-side venting will catch Jasper_ [acceptable if regrettable] _and possibly the Steven_ [unacceptable risk of harm to a human], _starboard-side venting will catch my projection_ [...acceptable], _other options known: none._

...before her lips formed a hard line of grim acceptance.

She jammed a button on the blaster's panel, and a column of green brilliance erupted out of the right side of the blaster less than an inch behind her emergency shunt.

The stock opened, and the smoking remains of the blaster fell off of Connie's arm and clattered to the arena floor.

Connie started blowing on her arm before one of Peridot's limb enhancers squirted an endothermic solution over it. The temperature on Connie's arm dropped from _'HOT'_ to _'kinda chilly'_ immediately.

"Field examination! Arms out, palms open!" barked Peridot. 

Connie instantly moved to comply, then her eyes went as wide as saucers and she stammered out, "P-P-Peri-"

Peridot was already scanning the girl when she cut her off with a firm rebuke. "No moving until the examination is complete. I have to make sure you're unharmed."

Meanwhile Jasper's eyebrows were attempting to climb all the way up and off her face. Steven had been holding his breath for the last minute and still didn't seem to notice.

‘DING’ sounded the limb.

Peridot nodded. "No significant tissue damage." Then, wagging a floating finger at Connie she added, "Though you will apply the first degree burn cream to your arm the moment you're back at the Beach House young lady."

Connie managed to numbly bob her head, her hair poofed out prodigiously though her gem had long since grown quiescent.

Peridot smiled warmly at the girl before a grimace crossed her face. Finally looking down, Peridot saw what everyone had been gaping at: a softball-sized hole through the technician's stomach.

“Right. That,” drawled the gem. Then Peridot looked up at Connie and said in the calm voice of parent soothing a worried child, “Dear, I’m afraid I may be-”

There was a puff of green smoke followed by the clatter of a gemstone and assorted gemtech dropping to the floor.

There was a moment where the only noise was the distressed chirps from the robonoids.

Stepping past the stunned girl, Jasper scooped up Peridot's belongings, then gingerly retrieved the green gemstone.

"This is one of the reasons I prefer melee weapons."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The promo image for this episode was created by BurdenKing.
> 
> Next chapter marks when the title of this episode really starts to kick in. Come by next week to see how it all plays out.
> 
> There's a new canon omake as well.  
> *) [Story of a Sidekick](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/26264052) by [br42](http://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42) \- "The story of Timeline #2's Steven and his progression from friend to sidekick to something both more and less."
> 
>  **EDIT (9/30/17):** Fan of the fic [kahlen369](http://kahlen369.tumblr.com/) (link is to their Tumblr page) made this very cool piece of fanart entitled _Connie Swap!Steven on Warp Pad_. Given this chapter marks Steven's first time warping, I wanted to post this here.
> 
>  
> 
>   
> 
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	2. When Momma-Dot Isn't Home

Connie carefully took the green gem from the large Quartz and cupped it in her hands.

She let out a distressed whimper, “M-ma’am?” 

Her throat tightened as tears welled up in her eyes. She felt her legs go weak, and she collapsed to her knees, crying out as she pulled the gem close to her chest. “Ma’am! Ma’am!”

Steven, shaken out of his indecision at the sight of Connie being so distraught, made his way down from the bleachers. He fiddled with his hearing aids as he descended; it sounded like Connie was shouting, ‘Mom!’

Connie was in her own world, a childhood of green constancy flashing before her eyes, when a large hand fell on her shoulder. Thick, orange fingers moved and prodded thin, brown ones that were clenching a green gemstone.

“Connie…” the voice called.

She shook her head, unable to withdraw from her shock.

“Connie!” 

Her eyes snapped open as she looked up at Jasper, the large gem looking down at her with strength and a hint of concern. 

The warrior was gently prying Connie’s vice-like grip off of Peridot’s gemstone. “Gentle hands, kiddo… Gentle hands.” 

She helped Connie to her feet. “Connie, human,” she said, getting the pair’s attention. Then, wordlessly, she led them up through the structure and down to the warp pad.

When they reentered normal gravity, Jasper held Steven by the scruff of his shirt to keep the boy from toppling.

* * *

Steven busied himself arranging the desk lamp so the light fell on the gem just right.

The gem rested on a cushion inside a salad bowl. Propped up nearby was a pack of sour candies (which Connie had filched from one of Peridot’s supposedly secret hiding places), Peridot’s limb enhancers, and the technician’s limited edition, _Camp Pining Hearts_ Happy Camper Wilderness Whistle.

Connie paced back and forth, trying to walk her way out of her current state of distress. One of her arms had a layer of burn cream covering part of it. Meanwhile, Jasper was wordlessly looking for something in the kitchen cabinets. The large gem’s expression was unfazed considering what had just happened.

“So ... Peridot is inside this gem?” Steven asked slowly.

“She’s not inside the gem, she IS the gem!” Connie said, breathing heavily. “But she’s poofed, so she can’t walk around or talk or do anything until she regenerates which I don’t know how long that takes because I’ve never seen that happen to her before, and _this is all my fault_ , why does all of this keep happening to me, did I wrong someone in a past life or some-- wait, hang on, I saw one of my alternate lives so I’m _positive_ I wronged someone in one of those, but what am I supposed to do to fix--”

“ _Connie!_ ” interrupted Jasper from the kitchen. “Drill Zero-Seventeen.”

 _If you lose your cool from a casualty, you’re that much more likely to become one yourself,_ supplied Connie, trying and failing to stuff the malicious genie that was her incipient panic back into its bottle.

Jasper turned to Steven. “Human, you help her. She finds your kind’s company soothing sometimes.”

“Oh! Um ...” Steven turned to Connie. “Don’t worry, Connie. Everything’s gonna be okay. We’ll figure this out. Like ... I mean, she’s gonna come back, right?”

Connie’s breathing slowed for a moment.

“... yeah.”

“Okay, so it’s like Peridot is out of town, same as my parents.” Then he gestured to the well-lit perch the green gemstone was resting on. “She’s sunning herself and eating sour candies while she writes up another two hundred page thingy on Camp Pining Hearts. Then she’ll come back and tell us all about it. You know ... eventually.”

“I-- I guess that’s one way of looking at it,” Connie said, mulling the analogy over.

Steven reached over and wiggled Connie’s nose. That put the metaphorical cork in the bottle; Connie’s shoulder’s untensed slightly.

Jasper, still looking through cabinets, said, “Tiny human is right, at least in places: it may be a few days. Peridot doesn’t reform as quickly as Lapis. She tends to be a bit more ...”

“Meticulous?” Connie suggested.

“I was going to say ‘unnecessarily complicated’ but ...” Jasper trailed off as she grumped upon opening another kitchen drawer. “ _Where is it?!_ ”

Connie raised an eyebrow.

“Um ... Jasper, what exactly are you looking for?” the girl asked.

Jasper sighed and closed the kitchen drawer.

“Well, Peridot always said she left instructions for how to take care of you in the event she was ever poofed or shattered.” The warrior folded her arms. “But I’ve forgotten where she put them.”

“Oh ...” Connie said. “Maybe it’s in her room or--”

“No, no,” Jasper said. “Her room could have been locked. It’s not but Peridot wouldn’t count on that since the whole point was so Lapis or I could get to them if needed.” She closed her eyes and gritted her teeth. “Knowing her, she probably _assumed_ we’d forget, so she’d try to put it in some place Lapis and I would both think to look, but I don’t know any place like that around--”

Jasper’s eyes widened. She glanced upwards and sighed.

“Oh .... right,” Jasper mutted. “Of course.”

“Huh?” Connie followed Jasper’s gaze and realized she was looking up at ...

_...at mom’s portrait._

Jasper approached her and Steven.

“I need to get up there,” Jasper said.

Steven looked around the house. “O-okay, I can go look for a ladder or--”

Before he could do anything, though, Jasper moved him gently aside. Then Jasper’s legs began to stretch upward, elevating her until she was level with the portrait.

“Orrr not,” Steven finished.

Despite Connie’s lingering guilt, she managed a smile at that. It was a tad funny seeing the bulky Jasper looking like a performer on stilts at a circus.

Steven stared with a grin. “So cool,” he mumbled.

“Isn’t it?” Connie said.

“Go Go Gadget Legs,” he added with a snicker.

If Jasper heard the comments, she didn’t react. In an oddly gentle motion she unhooked the portrait, revealing a safe built into the wall. She gently lowered the painting downwards.

“Hold this,” Jasper said quietly.

Connie took the likeness of Citrine in her hands. She held it in front of her for a moment, staring at her mom’s face before feeling an odd sense of discomfort and gently laying it on the coffee table.

She could tell by the look on Steven’s face that he noticed this, but he thankfully said nothing.

“So um ...” Connie turned her attention to the safe Jasper was moving the twisting the knob. “I ... didn’t know there was a safe there. What’s in it?”

“ _Valuables_...” Jasper said. “Well ... that and a few of Peridot’s things.”

Steven gave an awkward grin and said, “Could you ... maybe be more specific about the ‘valuables’ part?”

Jasper gave a casual shrug. “Mostly stuff Doug and Citrine wanted in there. It’s not in the temple so Doug can get at it if he needs to,” she said as if discussing nothing more interesting than the price of groceries.

After a few quick motions, she pulled the handle and the safe was open.

Connie couldn’t tell what the combination was or get a good look inside the safe when it was open ...

 _...not that I’m trying to snoop or anything,_ she thought to herself.

Jasper pulled what looked like a very thick manual from the safe, closed it and gave the dial a little spin, then shrunk her legs back down to normal size.

“Alright,” Jasper said.

Connie stared at the meticulously bound tome. It looked to be hundreds of pages long, easy.

“Wow, that seems like a lot,” Connie said.

“Well, Peridot does tend to be long-winded but I’m sure it can’t be that complicated.” Jasper opened it to the start. “... there’s a flow chart on the first page.”

 _Yep, Peridot definitely wrote that,_ Connie observed.

“‘Use the directed graph to find the most relevant section from which to begin,’” Jasper read aloud. With a sigh, she traced her finger along the first page.

“Okay ... you’re capable of speech.” Her finger traced further. “You’re toilet-trained ...” She glanced up at Connie. “Are you going through puberty?”

Involuntarily, she glanced at Steven for a fraction of a second before darting back to Jasper. “P-Pretty sure I am,” she said.

“Alright. Have you hit menopause?”

Connie shrunk her head in her shoulders. “No, I, uh ... I’m pretty sure that happens later ...”

“Alright then,” Jasper traced finger and read, “‘Begin at page 142. Reference Tables G through Z.’”

Jasper flipped through the packet. Her eye twitched as she read through pages.

“‘Nutritional requirements ...’” She flipped further as she read along. “‘Biological development ...’ ‘Emergency procedures ...’ ‘Educational curriculum...’” Jasper was getting increasingly agitated as she flipped forward. “... ‘Sample scripts for parental guidance in various situations’ ... ‘Necessary supplies needed during puberty stage (with visual aids)--’”

Jasper narrowed her eyes, then flipped the packet closed.

“Alright ...” She casually held the packet out and dropped it to the floor. “That’s enough of that.”

“Um ... are you sure? Some of that stuff seemed like it might be useful,” said Connie, raising an eyebrow.

Meanwhile, Steven had sidled over and picked up the heavy manual. He glanced through a page or two before blushing fiercely and hurriedly setting it back down.

“Maybe if this were a permanent situation,” Jasper said as she went about hanging the portrait back up, “but here, now, Peridot’s plans aren’t needed.” 

Once her legs were back to normal once more, Jasper turned to Connie and said, “I know how to keep you alive.” 

The warrior squinted at Steven for a moment and added, “That one too, probably. No missions, though.”

“Definitely no missions,” agreed Connie.

“Wait? _Probably?_ ” said Steven, alarmed.

* * *

Jasper sat at her preferred spot on the end of the couch and drummed her fingers. Connie was reading a book aloud to the human as they played together up in the loft. From what Jasper could tell, a bunch of made-up organic races and some humans had to go to a volcano to stop what sounded like an embedded Diamond from reforming and conquering the planet.

The large Quartz had rarely paid much attention to human stories, but, maybe for a lack of better options, she found herself listening to this one a bit more closely.

Several of the hobbits sounded like Rubies, the dwarf was like a particularly humorless Bismuth, the elf was definitely an Agate of some description, and the wizard had the Sapphire-like quality of being infuriatingly cryptic and knowledgeable. The main hobbit, ‘Frodo’, was hard to place, but the ‘Sam’ hobbit was obviously a Pearl.

Connie’s stomach grumbled, and her reading stopped.

Jasper rose to her feet and looked at the pair on the loft. “Oh right ... food,” Jasper said. “Hm ...”

“Yeah, I, uh ... I guess it’s around the time Peridot usually cooks something,” Connie said.

Jasper frowned.

The human piped out, “Maybe there’s something we could microwave.”

Connie shook her head.

“Sorry, Peridot doesn’t believe in frozen foods,” the little Quartz said. “Every time I ask for some at the grocery store, she lists off all the health issues food preservatives can cause. It, um ... it’s a long list.”

“Oh ...” the human tilted its head bashfully. “So no Hot Pockets?”

“‘Fraid not.”

“Why don’t you just get prepared food from the food building with the oversized loop on top? Or get a human to deliver one of those food circles?” ventured the Quartz.

“Is that ... healthy enough?” the human asked.

“It’s human food,” Jasper shrugged.

“Oh... okay!” the human beamed.

Connie reached into her pockets.

“Well um ... I don’t have any money on me and I don’t think the Big Donut will let any of us have a tab after what happened last time--”

“Oh. Hang on.”

Jasper quickly elevated her legs once more to reach the safe, then passed the painting down again. After a few quick spins and another creak of the safe opening then closing, Jasper shrunk back down holding an envelope that read ‘FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY.’ She unceremoniously tore it open and produced a fist full of hundred dollar bills.

She handed it all to Connie. “Here,” Jasper said.

Connie hesitantly took the stack and looked through it.

“Jasper, this is a lot of money!”

“Yeah. That’s enough for donuts, right?”

“Uh ... I’m gonna say ‘yes,’” answered Connie. She and the human exchanged a look and then began giggling for some reason.

“Wooo! Donut and pizza party!” cried the human, its arms stretched overhead.

Both made a hasty exit through the front door, talking excitedly.

 _This parenting business is easy,_ thought Jasper, going back up to rehang the portrait, then sitting back down.

After being alone in the house for a while, the large gem got up, grabbed the book off the loft, then sat back down. After a couple of clumsy attempts at flipping the tiny pages, Jasper shapeshifted one of her hands to be a more appropriate size and resumed the tale.

* * *

Sadie was humming that catchy new burger jingle when the door chimed. Looking up she saw Connie and Steven come in, both smiling like she’d never seen them… okay, smiling like she’d never seen Connie smile before.

“Hey you two. You guys look happy, what’s the-”

"I want two dozen donuts," announced Connie, slapping a bill on the counter.

"Um ... okay, which ones? Actually, we just got this whole wheat one--"

"Not today!" interrupted the girl, eyes sparkling. "Just anything with cream in it. Lots of cream!"

"I like sprinkles," added Steven.

"And anything with sprinkles," amended Connie. “Oh, and a bagel with cream cheese. Because I like it."

The pair high fived then turned to peruse the line of reach-in freezers. They lamented the fact that Cookie Cats had gone out of stock as they picked out sugary sodas.

Sadie finished boxing their enthusiastically ordered donuts. When she set the order on the counter she noticed for the first time just how many zeroes there were on the bill Connie had laid down.

_Oh thank goodness. Without Lapis coming by here every other day, corporate’s been worried the whole town went on a low-carb diet or something._

* * *

Jasper was leaning against the kitchen counter nearest the warp pad, the book off to one side while she was watching Connie and the human eat their food and do trivial things..

“...and then Neimaat blew into the tuba, making Mae Cupp fall out of her chair,” laughed the human before doing something with its arms and hands.

Connie did something wiggly with her hands which caused both of them to laugh. This had happened several times and Jasper still couldn’t make sense of it.

“What is that you’re doing?” asked the large gem.

Connie and the human both started slightly. _Gotta work on that situational awareness more,_ observed the warrior.

“Steven was telling me a story from before he moved to Beach City and I started to tell him about that time you and Peridot demonstrated how diamonds were formed,” explained Connie while the human nodded its head.

 _That had been fun. Way better use for coal than burning it. Crushing the diamond afterwards had been satisfying, too,_ recalled Jasper inwardly. Outwardly, though, she furrowed her brows and said, “You were telling that story to the human just now?”

Connie nodded, confused by Jasper’s confusion.

“How?” pressed the warrior.

“Um, with sign language. Like this,” and she did the hand wiggling thing some more.

Jasper shook her head. “Is that some kind of silent battle cant you devised to coordinate with your human?”

“No. It’s American Sign Language. Wait, I thought gems could understand all languages,” said Connie.

“They can?!” exclaimed the human, its mouth hanging open for some reason.

Connie turned to Jasper and said, “Apportez-moi les ciseaux.”

Jasper opened a drawer and removed the scissors she’d asked for, then threw them with precise force such that they became embedded a half-inch in the floorboard a foot from the pair. “Les voici,” answered Jasper.

Connie and the human jumped slightly at that. _Definitely gotta drill Connie some more once the human goes back to wherever it normally lives._

The little Quartz managed to tug the scissors out of the floor. She was looking at the small gouge left behind worried for a moment before glancing at the odd shrine the human had built for Peridot. She gave a relieved smile, then turned to the human and wiggled her hands at it.

The human looked at Jasper and said, a little awkwardly, “Nienga thamizh pésuviengala?”

 _I speak it better than you,_ thought Jasper while replying simply, “Amaam.”

“Coool,” added the human.

Connie nodded, then said to both of them, “I’m going to cover my eyes and I want you, Jasper, to silently point out an object in the living room to Steven. Then he’ll tell me with sign language what it was. That way you can tell this isn’t just a game or something.”

Connie did as she said. Jasper pointed to one of the training sabers that was propped up against the far wall. The human nodded, then placed a hand on Connie’s shoulder. The pair exchanged a quick bout of hand wiggling that Jasper tried and failed to follow.

The little Quartz walked over to the exact saber Jasper had pointed out and flicked it with her finger. The metal rang out.

Jasper considered this for a moment. Connie and the human exchanged glances and more indecipherable gestures. Finally Jasper said, “Gems are able to speak any spoken language, read any written language. It’s how we’re built. This… sign language doesn’t register as either. Do other humans know how to do that?”

The human said, “Sure! I mean, not everyone, it’s mainly used by people who are hard of hearing or deaf.”

Jasper stared.

“Like me,” added the human while gesturing to its ears.

“Oh, it’s for defective humans,” said Jasper, her previous look of confusion gone as she nodded her head.

After a moment where everyone just stared at Jasper, the large Quartz turned and resumed her reading, her curiosity sated.

The fact that Connie scowled at Jasper and led the drooping human across the room registered to the warrior only in the background way that Jasper kept track of the position of all the parties in her vicinity.

* * *

“-reminds me, I need to update the power diary… Hmm, where- Oh phooey,” said Steven to Connie. “I had it in my cheeseburger backpack, which I left up on the floaty cloud arena. Could we go back and get it?”

“Oh, sure. I’ve got the warp whistle still or, no wait, Peridot said-” and Connie stopped, a curious look on her face.

Turning to Jasper, she asked, “Hey Jasper, is it okay if I use the warp whistle to take me and Steven back to the Sky Arena?”

Jasper, leaning on the kitchen counter, gave a massive shrug, every square inch of which radiated indifference. “Go ahead.”

* * *

_Ringwraiths are kind of like if Homeworld had fielded loyalist Citrines. Thank the stars_ that _didn’t happen. The comparison isn’t perfect but-_

There was a chime from the warp pad, which prompted Jasper to look up from her reading.

Connie was looking down with concern at the human, who had landed in a heap. “Hey Steven, are you-”

The human laughed uproariously and shouted, “AGAIN!”

Connie chuckled as well, then raised the warp whistle to her mouth.

* * *

Chime!

Connie stepped off the warp pad. “Alright, they’re all set up. Are you ready to make history, Universe?”

The human nodded, cupping a medicine ball in both hands. With some curious footwork and a sweep of the hand, the ball went rolling up the ramp the pair had assembled and onto the warp pad.

Connie blew into the warp whistle at just the moment it crossed onto the crystal base and the ball vanished in a flash of light.

Both scrambled onto the warp pad themselves and vanished as well.

Turning back to the novel, Jasper thought, _I have NO idea what the heck this ‘Tom Bombadil’ is supposed to be._

Chime!

“A perfect strike!” // “We’re awesome!” called out the two upon returning, ten plastic cups, a medicine ball, and a warp whistle carried between them.

* * *

Jasper, after some egging on by Connie and the human, was reading aloud from her spot at the kitchen counter.

_“'It is not easy for us to tell the difference between two mortals,' said the Elf._

_'Nonsense, Lindir,' snorted Bilbo. 'If you can't distinguish between a Man and a Hobbit, your judgement is poorer than I imagined. They're as different as peas and apples.'_

_'Maybe. To sheep other sheep no doubt appear different,' laughed Lindir. 'Or to shepherds. But Mortals have not been our study. We have other Business.'”_

There was a sharp intake of breath that caused Jasper to look up. The human was elbowing Connie and pointing at Jasper for some reason.

“What?” asked the gem.

“You’re an elf!” squealed the pair simultaneously.

“I was so right with Carella Serpenthelm’s backstory!” // “How are you with a longbow?” Connie and the human said over one another.

They shared another glance and then said in unison, “Do the ears!”, the human illustrating by bringing up a picture on its phone.

Jasper blinked. “Alright, it’s someone else’s turn to read.”

* * *

Jasper was sprawled out on the floor. Connie was laying on Jasper, using the Quartz’ mane as a book rest. Steven, while listening along to the tale, was combing out and braiding the thick, white hair; most of the house’s supply of hair ties had been marshalled.

Jasper’s ears were, for the moment, pointy.

 _“‘You have done well to come,' said Elrond. 'You will hear today all that you need in order to understand the purposes of the Enemy,’”_ read Connie. Despite her efforts to the contrary, she fell into reading the passage in an imitation of Hugo Weaving. _“‘There is naught that you can do, other than to resist, with hope or without it. But you do not stand alone. You will learn that your trouble is but part of the trouble of all the western world. The Ring! What shall we do with the Ring, the least of rings, the trifle that Sauron fancies? That is the doom that we must deem.’”_

“Reminds me of some of the war councils,” rumbled Connie’s book stand.

“Connie’s mom spoke like Elrond?” asked Steven, having run out of hair ties and switched to his stock of _Crying Breakfast Friends_ -themed hair clips.

“Not really. Citrine could give grand speeches when they were needed but she was usually more direct than that. You want to talk about flowery language, that was when… someone else… was doing most of the speeches for the Rebellion. The one good thing about joining mid-war was not having to endure too many of those,” grumped the warrior.

Steven looked like he was about to inquire further when Connie gave him a look and a shake of her head. She had warned him before about treading carefully with war stories so Steven deferred to her instincts here.

Connie cleared her throat and resumed reading, any pretense at avoiding the Hugo voice having been dropped. _“‘That is the purpose for which you-’”_

There was a shuddering noise from the refrigerator and then a conspicuous dimming in the background noise of the Beach House. Connie handed the book to Steven, climbed down from the Quartz, jogged over, and opened the fridge. “It’s off. Do you think it’s broken?”

Jasper pushed herself upright, colorful (and in some cases, crying) braids swaying en masse. She walked over and lifted the device up; Connie shimmied underneath the multi-hundred-pound mass of metal and insulation.

“Hold on, let me wipe the grit off this label. Oh, okay, the compressor died. All the wires look connected right so I don’t really know what to do.” She then shimmied out and sneezed, her hair being clung to by assorted dust bunnies.

Jasper set the device down gently. “Can that buy a new refrigerator?” asked the Quartz pointing at the pile of bills on the kitchen counter.

“I kinda doubt it,” was Connie’s answer.

Jasper shrugged. “We’ll just make do without. Humans went millennia without anything like that so it can’t be that important.”

The human walked over. It flapped its arms at Connie, whose eyes went wide as she flapped something back. After they concluded their inscrutable conference, Connie looked up at Jasper and said, “Hey Jasper, the ice cream in the freezer is going to start melting in a couple of hours. Would it be okay if we ate it before that happened?”

Jasper blinked. “It’s food, right?”

They both nodded.

Jasper shrugged. “Go ahead.”

“Wooo!” cried both of them as they broke into an impromptu dance party.

Jasper went back to her spot, a small smile on her lips from the satisfaction of a job well done.

* * *

_These Mines of Moria kind of remind me of that time we were chased out of that lava tube by those corrupted Rubies. I guess the Balrog would be their fusion? If that wizard had actually been a Sapphire it would have seen that coming from-_

Jasper was pulled from her contemplation by the noises of distress coming from Connie and the human.

They were laying on the floor near the empty donut and ice cream containers and they were gripping their stomachs.

"Steven ... I'm dying ... ugh ..." groaned Connie.

"No! Connie, we can make it," said the human trying and failing to raise itself to a seated position.

"It's too late for me. Remember me as I once was ... _healthy,_ " she whispered before going quiet.

The human reached out towards her and gave a pained cry of, “Nooo-- Oh, she just fell asleep…”

Before much longer the human entered a similar state of inactivity. Jasper walked over and confirmed that both of them were breathing and neither showed any outward symptoms of harm.

With a shrug, the large gem lifted Connie up to her bed, setting her down gently and pulling the blanket across her. The little Quartz muttered something about ‘becoming the canary’ then fell back asleep.

The human had spent the previous nights sleeping on the couch when it wasn’t staying up into the night with Connie. Jasper moved the comparatively stocky human into its spot and covered it with a blanket as well.

After waiting half an hour to ensure the pair were well and truly down for the night, Jasper spared a nod towards the regenerating Peridot, then strode over to the warp pad to get in a few hours of patrolling.

_Maybe I’ll encounter a Balrog. Those sound like they’d be lots of fun to fight._

* * *

A slinker or its spawn had damaged one of the many pipes or conduits that ran from the temple into the Beach House. The slinker and the pipe in question were both inaccessible to Jasper even with shapeshifting employed.

Jasper walked out into the Beach House scraped from a brief tussle with the corrupted gem that had ended in it retreating further into the temple’s narrow infrastructure.

Cowardly vermin.

Connie and the human were playing. Jasper was en route to the kitchen sink to test the water pressure once more. She paused midway and leaned on the kitchen counter to watch them.

* * *

The power diary was splayed out and glitter was everywhere. Especially on Connie, who had, after some coaxing, agreed to receive a coating of the stuff and then stand in a sunbeam to help Steven visualize what Tonnie had looked like when she did her see-through sparkle thing.

Jasper had disappeared into the temple muttering something about ‘another slinker causing problems’ when the house had lost water pressure.

As was often the case, the pair had quickly gotten off topic.

“Alright Connie, tell me if you’ve heard this one. What did the baby volcano say to the momma volcano?”

Jasper walked out of the temple, a few scrapes showing among the stripes on her arms. She was striding towards the sink but she leaned on the counter first to watch the pair for a moment.

Steven assumed a pose of big-eyed innocence and dropped to his knees, then spread his arms out in an invitation for a hug. “I lava you!” he squeaked.

Connie, glittery in her sunbeam, said, “I know-” and then broke into a laugh as Steven hammed up his performance further.

* * *

Jasper’s eyes suddenly went wide, a memory as clear as day popping into her mind...

> _Jasper, her arms folded, and Lapis, smirking, were standing in the corner of the cave watching Citrine and Doug’s ... display as he was about to leave._
> 
> _Citrine gave him a kiss. Jasper stifled a groan. She and Lapis shared a look for just a moment before Lapis stuck her finger in her mouth and made a small gagging sound._
> 
> _Jasper tried not to be too amused by that._
> 
> _Doug’s face was beet red as he giggled like an idiot._
> 
> _“O-okay, well, I gotta go,” Doug said. He beamed at Citrine. “I love you.”_
> 
> _Citrine beamed back at him, sparkling faintly in the moonlight._
> 
> _“I know,” she said._

The memory hit her like a wave, so strong she hardly felt herself slip then slam her head against the countertop.

She landed on the floor in a graceless heap, then had to try three times before she managed to grip the counter in one hand and scramble upright.

When she removed her hand, the wood showed five new cracked indentations.

Eyes wide, she mumbled something about the water, reached over, and twisted a handle on the sink.

The handle came away in her grip. She chucked it blindly over her shoulder.

“I’m- uh, I’m… be back… patrol. ‘mma patrol…” and the Quartz warrior all but ran to the warp pad.

* * *

There was silence save for the faint hissing sound coming from a faucet without adequate water pressure.

“What just happened?” asked Steven.

“I have no idea,” answered Connie.

Another extended silence. “I know that joke, by the way,” added the glitter-coated girl. “Lapis taught it to me during one of Peridot’s seismology lessons. You told it better, though.”

Connie then sneezed, a cloud of glitter kicked up as a result. “I really need to rinse this off, Steven.”

Steven, who had been trying unsuccessfully to place the wrenched off sink handle back in place, said, “I’m pretty sure the water’s still out. Which is a bit of problem because I kinda need to go.”

Connie considered this for a moment. “Okay, um, we’ll ask Jasper for ideas whenever she gets back from… whatever she’s doing. Hmm, in the meantime, we can use the Big Donut’s bathroom.”

“I love that bathroom! It smells like powdered sugar.”

Connie nodded with a knowing smile. “And, I guess we can go to your house to shower? It’s a trek but it’s better than not showering at all.”

"Oh, aaactually that's not going to work. Mom and dad shut off the water to the house when they left."

"Really? Why?"

"So, ever since New Year's, I guess there's a pipe with a crack somewhere but the guys that have come out to fix things haven't found it yet. Mom and dad cut off the water so it wouldn't be leaking while we were all gone."

"Oh. That... makes sense. Sorry about that."

"Don't worry Connie, because I have a better idea! We can wash at the car wash! The water's on there and I have a key and everything!"

"Really? There's a shower in the car wash?"

Steven rummaged through a bag and withdrew a pair of swimming trunks. "No, but there is a car wash in the car wash," he answered, grinning widely and waggling his eyebrows.

* * *

Jasper was… somewhere. Didn’t really matter where at the moment. The important thing was that there were large boulders here that could be smashed into smaller boulders.

Because the second Jasper wasn’t pulverizing something, the moment she had time enough to think, she’d see a familiar exchange play out in her mind’s eye.

And Jasper was simply not ready for this Citrine to have found herself a new Doug.

On the plus side, Jasper finally had no trouble remembering his name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The _Lord of the Rings_ excerpts were from [this source](https://archive.org/stream/TheLordOfTheRing1TheFellowshipOfTheRing/The%20Lord%20Of%20The%20Ring%201-The%20Fellowship%20Of%20The%20Ring_djvu.txt).
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	3. Interlude

It was late in the Beach House. On the kitchen counter a desk lamp shone on a shiny green gemstone, just as it had for several days now.

However, there were several other lights on in the house, as well as the glow of the television as it shone on a pair of teenaged faces.

Onscreen, the Lapis-blue Genie flowed out of the lamp. "But, oh, to be free. Not have to go 'Poof! What do you need? Poof! What do you need? Poof! What do you need?' To be my own master, such a thing would be greater than all the magic and all the treasures in all the world! But what am I talking about, here? Let's get real here. It's not gonna happen. Genie, wake up and smell the hummus."

Aladdin asked, "Why not?"

"The only way I get outta this is if my master wishes me out. So you can guess how often _that's_ happened."

The image froze on Genie, floating in the air looking glum.

Steven sat upright, stretched and yawned, then turned to Connie. "Not feeling it?" he asked.

Connie set the remote aside and gave Steven an apologetic smile. "Sorry, it's just... I kinda watched this movie a lot a month or so ago. It took me a while to realize why that was."

Steven blinked, looked at the image frozen on the TV, then his expression shifted to that of dawning realization. "Because it has a wisecracking, flying, blue trickster."

Connie nodded, her expression a little pained. "I mean, I'm feeling a lot better now, but I just... Now I associate this movie with feeling sad."

Steven gave Connie a compassionate look before tapping his chin in thought. "Well, is there some story you like that makes you feel, like, happy or excited? Because we could do that instead."

Connie sat up and leaned against the wall of her loft, thinking. Then she noticed the light of the TV reflecting off of something on her bookshelf: the gemstone embedded in her history/story book.

"It's not a cartoon but we could read out of my magical gem book," said Connie, voice inflecting up at the end.

Steven smiled and said, "You had me at 'magical,'" as he turned off the TV, turned on the nearby reading lamp, and got situated.

Connie gave a return grin then crawled across her bed, slid the heavy tome off the bookcase and set it down such that the cover with the large, cracked, oblong pearl was facing up.

"Book, can you show me a story?" asked the girl as though intoning a ritual.

She then opened the book to somewhere in the middle and text began to appear on the page. It was a summary of where the heroine and her silent companion had last been in the tale as well as the start of the next chapter.

Steven grinned at Connie and signed, 'So cool,' to her, just like he did all the previous times she had shown him the magical hardback.

Connie giggled but then a memory entered her head that made her stop to think. _He’s not my Lois Lane or my Mary Jane Watson or my Batgirl. He’s my friend, not my sidekick. In fact, no sidekicks in this story at all!_

"Hey Steven, I think I want to try something a little different, if that's okay with you," said Connie.

Steven nodded, content to see what she had in mind.

Closing the tome once more, Connie said, "Book, can you show me the story of the hero's companion?"

The cracked stone must have caught the lamp light just right because it gave an iridescent sparkle. Opening the book once more, the text on the page filled in.

> _**The Companion and the Tower of Sand** _
> 
> _Long ago there was a grand and benevolent lord, wise and beloved, splendid and important. Though many owed fealty to this lord, their most constant and steadfast servant was the companion._
> 
> _For a time, all was simple._
> 
> _One day the lord was bid by their superior to travel to a distant land, to oversee important matters and apply their considerable talents in ensuring a successful venture. The lord, their retinue, and their ever faithful companion readied their expedition._
> 
> _They departed soon thereafter._
> 
> _The monarch that ruled this land granted the lord an expanse of sparkling white sands to make into their demesne. Though thoughtful in a way, the area was provincial: shelters erected by the locals were sufficient for the retinue, but the locals were unable to construct accommodations suitable for the lord._
> 
> _Others saw desolation but the companion saw potential._
> 
> _The companion set about erecting a beautiful tower made from the sand itself. It was to be graceful, radiant, and spiraling skyward above the sparkling white expanse that surrounded it._
> 
> _The companion labored tirelessly for a very long time._
> 
> _When it was completed the lord was very pleased and visitors from all across the distant land came to view the tower. The monarch themself came to visit it, an honor most high, and all praised the lord and their cunning companion._
> 
> _For a time, all was good._
> 
> _The lord's work sometimes took them beyond the boundaries of their demesne. Hither, thither, and yon they would go while their companion ensured all was orderly and ready for their return._
> 
> _Then the lord failed to return._
> 
> _Over time the lord's retinue departed, and the demesne was abandoned by all. By all save the companion, who ensured that the Tower of Sand was ever radiant and ready to receive its lord._
> 
> _The companion toiled in solitude._
> 
> _Brigands came to inhabit the tower and use it as a base from which to conduct their raids. The companion could do nothing to remove them, and their general ordered them to leave the companion be._
> 
> _A curious peace reigned._
> 
> _In time the eyes of the monarch fell upon the tower again, but this time under very different circumstances. The monarch's forces drove the brigands away, destroying some and capturing others in the process._
> 
> _All were taken away, the companion included._
> 
> _A vizier of the monarch's court had the means to lay upon their captives a powerful geas which rendered the subject unable to speak save when questioned, unable to lie when speaking. The vizier found those ensorcelled were tiresome in their pleading for release, tedious in their retreat to nostalgia, and so the geas did deny them both._
> 
> _The companion may have heard carelessly spoken secrets and so received the geas._
> 
> _In time a great many things happened while the companion was cloistered with the other prisoners in the vizier's chamber. Then the chamber opened and in came not the vizier, but a new brigand and a different general._
> 
> _In time, the companion and an aspiring hero met._
> 
> _The hero was removed from the mistakes of old and possessed virtues and potential aplenty. The hero and the companion traveled far and wide._
> 
> _The hero's company was a balm to the companion._
> 
> _The hero has grown stronger and wiser in her travels, the pair seeing and learning much in tandem. The hero may one day release the companion from their geas._
> 
> _The companion may one day show the hero the wonders of the wider world._  
> 

Connie and Steven waited a moment to be sure they had reached the tale's end.

"Whoaaa. Backstory-rific," said the boy, breaking the silence.

Connie frowned, her brow furrowed. Something was trying to make its way to the fore of her tired and sugar-addled brain.

The temple door opened and with it came a shrill noise as Jasper strode quickly toward Connie's loft. The warrior was holding one of the limb enhancers in her hand, the device flashing and keening.

As she’d been since her incident, Connie noticed that Jasper wasn’t her usual, stoic self: the warrior visibly showing both eagerness and concern in equal measures.

"Connie. The activity sensor. I need to fight!" said the large gem, thrusting the noisy piece of gemtech towards the girl.

Connie looked confused. "Okay. Um, what do you want me to do?"

"Use this thing! Tell me where the corrupted gem is! I don't know how to operate Peridot's Era-2 device," she spat out in a rush.

Connie gingerly took the limb enhancer and stared at the bewildering array of readouts, streaming numbers, and what Connie assumed were seismic readings scrolling by the bottom like a news ticker of stock price fluctuations.

She studied it a moment longer before looking at Jasper helplessly and shrugging.

Jasper's eyes widened fractionally. She turned and said, a tad reluctantly, "Steven?"

Connie and Steven shared a look, both their mouths hanging open.

After a moment of Jasper’s continued stare, Steven went from looking like he’d witnessed a tree speak to him to looking like he'd been called up to the front and he couldn't remember which class he was in. He saw a rotating globe icon with dozens of labels appearing and disappearing, all written in squiggly letters from an unfamiliar alphabet. 

"It's... somewhere on Earth?" he hazarded.

Jasper gave a growl of frustration. "Rra! I'll just go looking myself then!" and was already halfway across the Beach House before either teen could react.

"Jasper!" cried Connie.

The frantic warrior stopped in her tracks, fists clenching and unclenching for a moment before she looked over her shoulder.

"Just... make sure you don't stay out too long. Okay?" asked the girl, eyes wide and full of rising emotion.

Jasper stared for a moment longer, gave a curt nod, and was soon gone in a beam of light.

"Hey Connie," said Steven, wincing from the way the limb enhancer's alarm was being distorted by his hearing aids. "What do we do with that thing?"

* * *

A little over an hour later the limb enhancer, placed gingerly on a pillow and then covered with an overturned bucket that was itself placed in the bathroom with the door closed, stopped trilling its alarm.

Steven and Connie had agreed it was time to turn in for the night and gone to the couch and bed, respectively.

A little over three hours later a visibly frustrated Jasper warped back without a bubbled gem. After sparing a look to confirm that Connie and her Steven were present and unharmed, the unsatisfied warrior disappeared into the temple.

The magic book was sitting back on the shelf, the cracked pearl reflecting a little of the light from the desk lamp in the kitchen.

Connie and Steven had carefully closed it and shelved it before getting ready for bed themselves. During the encounter with Jasper, unnoticed by any of them, a new line had appeared on the page. It had vanished by the time the pair had finally managed to muffle the limb enhancer.

> _The companion may one day show the hero the wonders of the wider world._
> 
> _The companion was patient... but there were times when even they could only fume in voiceless vexation._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come back this Friday for the final installment of _Perfect Parenting_!
> 
> The Aladdin quotes came from [this source.](http://www.fpx.de/fp/Disney/Scripts/Aladdin.txt)
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	4. Citchen Calamity

Steven and Connie were taking turns throwing the scissors. Neither had managed to pull off the feat that Jasper had a couple of days prior but Steven had once caught a blade in the seam between two boards and it had looked similar.

Jasper, who had been in a weird mood ever since the glitter incident, had simply critiqued Steven’s form and then turned back to her fantasy epic.

After a particularly bad throw had sent the scissors bouncing off a wall Jasper flipped the book over and approached the pair. “Connie, we’ve practiced knife-throwing before. You’re not finding the blade’s center of balance right.”

“But Jasper, the scissors are an irregular shape and not really aerodynamic,” countered Connie.

Jasper plucked up the scissors and flipped them in her grip a few times. “Start with a closer target. Throw hard enough that the scissors can’t veer off course before impact,” and the Quartz made a deft flick of the wrist, embedding the scissors six inches from one of Steven’s feet.

The boy looked down and swallowed. 

Jasper started to grin… then paused and looked over her shoulder.

It took Connie a second to realize she was looking at Citrine’s portrait.

Jasper sighed and then fixed Steven with a look. “Steven, do you have any training?”

 _It still sounds weird to hear her call him by his name,_ observed the girl.

Steven stepped a few feet away from the scissors and swallowed nervously. “Um, well, I mean I know a lot of music theory and sign language and I can kinda play the ukulele and one time I managed to beat dad’s old copy of _Battletoads_ which he says is a big accomplishment and I’m an okay artist, at least Jeff says I am when we work on our comic together, and I’m learning Tamil from Connie and mom says I have a green thumb; oh which means I’m good at helping in the garden and not that my thumb is a weird color, and I honestly expected you to interrupt me by now,” said the boy, panting slightly.

Jasper only nodded. Once Steven had regained his composure, Jasper said, “Tell me about poofing the Kunzite.”

Steven looked at Connie and wiggled his ears.

“She means the worm monster,” Connie explained.

“Oh, that. Well, there was this harpoon gun on a boat and, see, Connie was being all brave and…”

* * *

Connie, Jasper, and Steven were walking to the car wash for yet another shower. Steven had a hot dog-themed duffle bag slung over one shoulder that contained the shower products and towels for him and Connie. For modesty's sake, the pair had put their swimsuits on under their clothes before they'd left the house.

The conversation from before continued as the trio traveled.

“Rose Quartzes know empathy. Jaspers know endurance. Amethysts know camaraderie. Carnelians know passion. Citrines know confidence,” explained Jasper.

Steven nodded while Connie walked a little ways back, still unsure what to make of the latest of Jasper’s curious moods. “So, do all Jaspers look like you with the big hair and the stripes?” asked Steven.

“Hair and stripes? Yeah. But none look like me. I’m perfect,” came the terse reply.

Steven smiled. “It’s cool that you’re so confident in yourself like that.”

Jasper blinked then shook her head. “No. I’m literally perfect. It’s not about emotions. It’s a fact.”

Steven tried to ponder this for a while.

Jasper started to say something biting, stopped, snuck a peek at Connie's gemstone, sighed, and tried again. “If you work and train you’ll get bigger, stronger, right?”

Steven nodded.

“If you were part of the elite you might be a particularly large and strong human already. Because of that thing where humans make more humans that are kind of like them?” said Jasper, clearly treading unfamiliar water.

Steven nodded again. 

Connie explained, “If he had the right genes to be bigger and stronger than average, you mean. That’s what it’s called.”

Jasper angled her head toward Connie in thanks. “Humans start out weak and can grow stronger, bigger. Gems don’t do that. We come out of our hole, and we are how we’re going to be. Some gems are weaker than they should be. Some are slower. Some are misshapen. I’m none of those things. I’m exactly what a Jasper can be. Perfect.”

There was a moment of silence followed by, “But, like, could a super old Jasper who had practiced checkers for years and years and years still be able to beat you at that?” asked Steven.

Jasper needed a moment to wrap her mind around the concept of a Quartz doing that. "Skill is different. Gems emerge knowing what they need to know to do the task they're intended for. Because I'm perfect, so long as I'm doing that task, then I am the best at it. Jaspers endure. I endure best. Jaspers fight. I fight better than any other Jasper. Better than nearly any other gem."

Steven's eyes went wide. " _Nearly_ any other gem? Whoa! It's hard to imagine there being gems out there who are a bigger deal than you in a fight."

Jasper squinted at Steven as though trying to sift his words for hidden meanings. She'd been doing that a lot lately. "I lost to Citrine. Repeatedly. Citrine gave us all the freedom to choose," said Jasper with a genuinely warm expression. "She convinced me I had chosen the wrong side. Took me a few times to figure it out, though."

The trio walked in silence for a while. Then Steven made a sudden exclamation of, "OH! Jasper! You've been around for most of history and stuff. Did you ever, like, spar with a human? You know, sword-fight King Arthur or wrestle with Achilles?"

Connie chuckled. "Those are both fictional characters, Steven." She was then struck by a troubling thought and asked Jasper, "Right?"

"I never met them. At least, I don't think so," she said, squinting. "I don't fight humans though. Not ever. Break too easy. Plus, the last time I did compete with a human, I lost," said the warrior, her face a scowl.

"Who?!" cried Connie and Steven in unison.

"Doug," said Jasper simply.

"HOW?!" yelped the pair in tandem.

Jasper turned on them, Steven stopping suddenly and Connie bumping into his back as a result. Jasper's face was a mixture of confusion and frustration. For some reason she locked eyes with Steven. "I still haven't figured that out."

The gem turned and strode away, brooking no further questions. 

Steven and Connie shared a look before running after her, Steven's hot dog-themed duffel bag bouncing as he went.

* * *

Jasper was pacing. Connie and Steven stood a little ways away while an empty car wash ran through the 'Sauna Wash' cycle. It was mid-March so the tunnel full of water jets would have been too cold without it.

“Any idea when the water will be back on in the temple?” asked Connie, trying for ‘conversational’ and ending up with ‘pleading.’

The charm of car wash showers had faded pretty quickly.

“A slinker got into the temple. Likes to lurk in the pipes and ducts. If I go in and get it, I’d tear up a lot of important stuff. Water will have to wait,” said Jasper in a monotone, despite her restlessness.

 _Hurry back, Peridot,_ thought Connie, not for the first time.

When the wash concluded, Jasper pivoted and marched over to the control box. 

"Hey Jasper, would you-" but Steven was silenced with a glare.

She stuffed a bill into the machine that Connie strongly suspected was their last hundred. The wash didn't dispense change.

Jasper tried to press a button and instead caused the pole supporting the control box to bend slightly. With a growl, Jasper's hand shapeshifted smaller and she jammed the 'Premium Wash' button.

She paused and turned to Connie. "No wax, right?"

"Uh... y-yeah, no wax," Connie said hesitantly.

"Great. Great," muttered Jasper.

The large gem glowered at the pair through the whole of the shower. The fact that she was holding a large hot dog only slightly diminished her aura of intimidation.

* * *

Connie opened the fridge then clapped her hands over her nose and stumbled backwards, kicking the door closed.

"So I take it the fridge food’s bad?" asked Steven while rummaging through a pantry.

Mary and Greg were supposed to return later that afternoon and in the preceding days, most of the foodstuff in the Beach House had either been eaten or spoiled.

"That's a definite yes," came the girl's answer. She got up and faced Jasper, who was glowering at her borrowed copy of _The Return of the King._ "Jasper, there's nothing left to eat."

"Pizza," was Jasper's succinct reply.

_Hmm, this 'Sam' character isn't a Pearl after all. The companion hobbit hauling Frodo along reminds me of that time I had to carry Citrine's gemstone out of that ambush at the Communication Hub. No bubbling when the temple might be compromised. That's what convinced her that Pink-Saruman really was leaking information._

"There's not enough left, Jasper. There's barely enough for some donuts and, um, I'm kinda tired of donuts. Aaand pizza," said Connie

Jasper blinked. Connie thought she could see the corner of her eye twitch.

“Oh,” Jasper said. “Alright...”

Steven rubbed his stomach.

“I um ... I could call my mom to see if maybe they can come back early or--”

“That won’t be necessary,” Jasper said slowly. Her voice seemed shaky. Connie didn’t even know Jasper’s voice _got_ shaky. “I will ... go to Peridot’s garden and prepare a meal here. You two ... go play for a bit.”

“But ... I didn’t think you knew how to cook.”

Jasper’s expression didn’t change.

“Go play outside,” Jasper said. “I have this fully under control.”

Steven opened his mouth to say something, but Connie gripped his hand.  
“O-okay,” Connie said. “We’ll do that.”

“Good,” Jasper said.

* * *

There was a flash of light and almost before it disappeared Jasper was marching swiftly toward the kitchen with a box full of produce.

Jasper set the box down, opened a drawer and shoved one of Peridot's books of cooking instructions aside to reach the largest knife therein. She then opened a cabinet and grabbed the largest skillet she could find. She set it on the range, handily sliced up a vegetable that looked like something Connie would eat, dropped the slices into the cookware and turned the dial to what looked like a good number.

A few moments later there was a growing curl of smoke rising from the skillet. Jasper made a quick glance at the fire suppression system overhead, opened a cabinet at random to find a fire extinguisher, didn't find what she was looking for, then looked back up to see the curl of smoke had grown into an inky plume.

Sparing another wary glance at the fire suppression system, Jasper grabbed the skillet (ignoring the heat radiating from the bare metal of the handle), covered the distance to the front door in four large steps, opened the door, then hurled the burning food (skillet and all) out, out, out until it splashed into the ocean a quarter mile from shore.

* * *

_Citrine never cooked,_ thought Jasper before a memory surfaced of Doug and Citrine doing some sort of food preparations over a campfire on the beach.

 _Probably,_ she amended.

She looked down to find the food inside the second-largest skillet to be... unchanged from earlier. She crouched down and squinted at the dial: she'd set it to the lowest value to avoid a repeat of last time.

Another couple of minutes passed without the ingredients changing into anything that looked like what Peridot would serve Connie.

 _This is taking too long,_ thought Jasper as she twisted the dial.

Soon afterwards another piece of smoking cookware splashed into the ocean.

* * *

Jasper tried using the oven this time.

It contained the smoke better than the range did, but Jasper didn't feel particularly pleased with that discovery.

_Splash._

* * *

She pulled out Peridot's book and laid it flat, her teeth grinding. Flipping through she found a page that didn't have too many steps and looked to contain ingredients she had on hand.

She squinted at a number of unfamiliar terms. Gems could understand any written or spoken language but that only went so far where jargon was concerned.

Jasper blew out a breath and squared off against the book like they were preparing to do battle.

_It's fine. Peridot wasn't made for preparing human food but she manages it._

Following along close enough, Jasper made her way through the unfamiliar battlefield.

_Splash._

* * *

_Splash._

* * *

_Splash-splash._

A moment later a produce box as well as some of the more buoyant fruits and vegetables bobbed to the surface.

* * *

“No. No!” Jasper said as she stared at the baking pan (she'd long since run out of skillets). Smoke billowed from the stir fry. She carefully turned the burner off and scraped the spoon along the pan, but the vegetables were blackened and stuck. Burnt. Unsalvageable.

For a moment, Jasper simply stared at the charred remains. She’d tried to follow the instructions as closely as possible and she still managed to mess it up. And that was the last of the ingredients she had brought back from yet another trip to the garden.

Jasper ground her teeth. Her face felt hot and, as if something inside her gave way, she gripped the pan so tightly the metal crumpled like paper.

“You ... you ...” Her voice was shaky as she screamed and banged the pan against the stove, splattering the burnt food everywhere.

“YOU STUPID--” She slammed the pan again, causing it to cave in to the point of never being usable again. “WORTHLESS--” She slammed it again, this time causing a dent in the stove itself. “PIECE OF GARBAGE!” Another slam and the pan had broken into metal fragments, and the dent in the stove had only gotten bigger.

The damage being done seemed lost on Jasper, who flung the pan-fragment in her hand aside and was now striking the stove with her bare fists.

“WHY. WON’T. YOU. WORK.” She screamed, punctuating each word with a strike on the stove. “WHY. CAN’T. YOU. DO. ANYTHING. RIGHT?! YOU’RE. A. PERFECT. ERA-1. GEM!”

The stove was at this point a crumpled metal box that only vaguely resembled a stove, but Jasper still didn’t stop. She shoved her foot into it.

“You couldn’t cook!” She kicked the stove again. “You couldn’t make Lapis listen to you!” She slammed her foot again. “You lost to Doug!” Another kick and the window of the stove was now shattered. “YOU COULDN’T TAKE CARE OF CONNIE LIKE CITRINE TOLD YOU TO!” Another kick. “SO HOW CAN YOU BE THE PERFECT QUARTZ IF YOU KEEP BEING USELESS?!”

Jasper was breathing heavily, finally taking in her surroundings.

The stove was completely demolished, a crumpled heap of twisted metal. Which accomplished ...

Nothing.

It accomplished nothing.

Because there was now no stove. And Jasper still didn’t have anything to feed Connie or Steven.

She put her back against the wall and slid down. It was so sad to her that all she could do was let out a deep, manic laugh. After all these millennia, she still couldn’t control her temper when it got this bad. Maybe if Citrine were still here she could have talked her out of acting so stupidly (she always seemed able to), but on her own, Jasper felt like she couldn’t do anything.

She turned towards the counter, glancing at Peridot’s gem resting on a pillow and releasing a sigh.

"How do you do these things?” Jasper muttered to the gem. “You were a kindergartner and you managed to figure all this out. You weren't made for this ... but you do it anyway. I thought you were seeking a new purpose. I thought you were compensating for being an Era-2. But me? All I'm good at is breaking things.” Jasper clutched her hair. “The house, the temple, the Earth: it needs fixing. It needs you more than me.” Her voice lowered to a whisper. “I miss the war. Things made sense during the war.”

* * *

Connie and Steven had been playing on the porch to start with but once the cookware started flying they decided to go play _Sentinels of the Multiverse_ a ways down the shore.

Like many activities, strategic use of force fields made gaming on the beach much more feasible.

Heavy footfalls caused the pair to set their superhero decks aside and swivel around to see...

Jasper looked stricken, her hands unknowingly crushing holes into the produce box she was holding.

Connie was about to say something when Jasper knelt heavily in the sand in front of her. Jasper’s large head was bowed, her thick hair tumbling free from her shoulders and sweeping the beach below.

"I have failed you," rumbled the Quartz without looking up. "You and Citrine both."

Connie shared a helpless expression with Steven before saying, "Jasper, I don't understand what any of this is."

"I swore to protect and obey Citrine. Even before I took the oath of a Crystal Gem, I was Citrine's Quartz. I am sworn to protect and guide you and, in time, obey you as well," intoned the gem in a voice of absolute seriousness.

She thrust forward her produce box, head still downturned. After a few seconds passed and Jasper showed no sign of saying or doing anything further, Connie slid down from the force field bench she was sharing with Steven and took the heavy box. It contained fresh-picked apples and carrots.

"This is all I can provide you and your Steven despite my assurance otherwise. By your leave, I will return to the temple. I must contemplate my failure."

Connie frowned. "Jasper, this is fine. I mean, it's not something you need to go and put yourself in some kind of Quartz time-out over."

"I have also destroyed most of the cooking implements in my failure-"

"Okay, that's a little bad but-"

"-as well as destroying the stove."

Connie's eyebrows jumped up at that. Steven gave a low whistle, a little impressed despite it all.

Jasper looked up at Connie for the first time since arriving, her expression distraught. "Do I have your leave?" she asked, her eyes pleading.

Connie gave a numb nod to the warrior, who then rose and strode away.

Before the gem was out of earshot Connie cupped her hands to her mouth and shouted, "Jasper? C-Could you turn Wally loose when you go to the temple?"

Jasper extended a single thumbs up as she continued her march of contrition.

After the figure had disappeared around the bend Steven said, "Hey Connie?"

"Yeah Steven?"

"Remember a couple of months back when it was all snowy out and we were talking about what Looney Tunes characters Lapis, Peridot, and Jasper were?"

Connie nodded.

"I'm getting some major Pepe Le Pew vibes off of Jasper again, but, like, if he were a fighter, not a lover."

"I don't know about all that, but I will agree that this whole situation kinda stinks."

Steven chuckled at that as he took an apple from the box, buffed it on his sleeve, and offered it to Connie. "Want one? My dad says 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away.'"

Connie, dark thoughts about complicated family swirling in her head, recalled the move and the meal she'd be sharing with her dad's new girlfriend. "Make it two."

* * *

The robonoid took a few tentative steps forward into the outer dwelling as the especially large friend stepped past and closed the barrier behind it.

The signal from the Maker's augments was present but unchanged.

_No new commands. Resume default programming._

Its optics adjusted from the lava-lit dimness of the home-place to the comparatively bright outer dwelling.

It saw empty containers and food particles strewn about.

It saw rubbish and appearance modifiers laying without apparent organizational intent.

It saw a pool of liquid slowly spreading from the edge of the meal preparation area.

It saw wood and metal fragments from ruined cooking implements.

It saw a thin line of smoke trickling up from a carbonized ember of plant matter that had landed under the also-cluttered coffee table.

It saw _**chaos**_.

The robonoid designated 'Wally' was unable to find a recent match in its databanks of having done something the Maker had reacted strongly towards. As such, its motive-prediction heuristic was unable to supply a strongly-weighted explanation for this scenario.

Whatever the reason, the Maker had seen fit to bestow a great bounty unto 'Wally,' and it was not programmed to second-guess such things.

With a brief chirp of thanks, the robonoid sprung to action, its emotive-feedback signal broadcasting equal parts excitement and bliss.

* * *

A green gemstone flared with light and hovered up and away from the countertop. A lime-green ragdoll of hard light emerged, limp but held aloft by the gem embedded in its forehead.

The mannequin shifted first to a form familiar to all of Homeworld's Peridots, hair forming a perfectly regular shape of right angles. It blinked past a second form, but it was identical to the first. The third form split the hair's silhouette from one point on top to three that were swept upward. And then...

Peridot landed lightly like a ballerina, her feet in a perfect fourth position pose. She opened her eyes to see through her meticulously-redesigned visor for the first time.

She saw...

The Beach House divided between order and disorder while her ersatz robonoid Wally energetically labored; the oven pulverized in a most spectacular manner, which was saying something given the semi-regular calamities that befell the house.

But then her gaze fell and she saw a salad bowl holding a cushion with a... familiar-shaped indentation, beside which was propped up a pack of her formerly-hidden sour candies and her prized, _Camp Pining Hearts_ Happy Camper Wilderness Whistle. Her limb enhancers were stacked nearby.

> _Peridot nodded. "No significant tissue damage." Then, wagging a floating finger at Connie she added, "Though you will apply the first degree burn cream to your arm the moment you're back at the Beach House young lady."_
> 
> _Connie managed to numbly bob her head, her hair poofed out prodigiously._
> 
> _Peridot smiled warmly at the girl before a grimace crossed her face. Finally looking down, Peridot saw what everyone had been gaping at: a softball-sized hole through the technician's stomach._
> 
> _“Right. That,” drawled the gem. Then Peridot looked up at Connie and said in the calm voice of parent soothing a worried child, “Dear, I’m afraid I may be-”_

Peridot blinked away a little moisture from the memory. Swiftly re-equipping her limb enhancers and gravity connectors, she then rolled her newly-reformed shoulders and walked hurriedly through the entryway in search of her wards.

Steven and Connie stood frozen at the top of the stairs to the porch. For some reason they were supporting a produce basket in poor condition, holding a handle each.

The basket was dropped to the porch, several apples (some cores, others, whole) and carrots falling out in the process.

"PERIDOT!" cried Connie as she all but flew to the gem's side, lithe arms encircling for a tight hug. The Steven, after a moment's hesitation, ran forward as well and joined the embrace.

Peridot held them both. The fears and concerns that had persisted during her regeneration were like an electrical charge that was finally able to return to ground. All was not necessarily well, but the important things were.

Connie and Steven pulled back, both seeming to notice Peridot's altered appearance for the first time. Then, all at once, both began talking in a deluge.

"-so sorry about the arena, I don't-" // "techno-glasses like your visor-thingy too? Because-" // "-the fridge broke down and the water-" // "-miss Jasper asked but I didn't know how to use your robot-arm and I think-" // "-never want to eat pizza again and-" // "-lost a plastic cup while using the warp pad and I hope that doesn't, like, overload the pattern buffer or-"

While Peridot was trying and failing to restore order, the sound of another, heavier pair of footfalls caused the whole group to stop.

The Universe matriarch's dense curls rose into view followed shortly by the rest of her as she came up the stairs.

"Mom!" exclaimed the Steven as he moved to embrace his progenitor.

Mary returned the hug and then, stepping lightly around the produce basket and spilled food, approached and embraced Connie as well. 

"It's so good to be back. Greg and I have missed you both," she said.

Drawing herself back up she addressed Peridot, cupping one of Peridot's hand-equivalents in one hand while patting the limb enhancer with her other. "And thank _you_ for looking after Steven. I certainly hope he wasn't too much trouble," she stated, raising an eyebrow.

Peridot swallowed and forced a smile. "To the fullness of my awareness, the Steven has done nothing objectionable. He and Connie were quite well behaved while I was supervising them."

Mary nodded, her smile widening. "Wonderful. And I see you've got them eating healthily, too," she said, gesturing to the produce in various states of consumption.

"Y-Yes, so it would appear. W-Well, I would invite you in for a warm beverage-" and Peridot, looking past the large woman's shoulder, saw Connie and Steven discreetly shaking their heads 'no,' "-but I wouldn't want to unnecessarily keep you or your mate from your dwelling. I assume your terrestrial modes of travel were quite taxing."

Mary nodded. "That's kind of you. Yes, Greg and I are eager to be home again. Steven and I will just grab his things and-"

"THAT'S OKAY!" blurted out the Steven, causing three pairs of eyes to turn his way. "Uh, what I mean is, I was going to let Connie borrow some books and stuff before I left so, uh, we can just go home and I'll get my stuff from them later."

Connie was wearing a fixed smile as she nodded energetically.

Mary looked questioningly at Peridot and said, "I mean, only if it's not an imposition..."

Peridot waved away her concern. Mary smiled and thanked her and Connie both once more, making a point of complimenting Peridot’s new look. Then she and Steven said their farewells.

The pair began to descend the steps to the beach below, their conversation trailing behind them.

"Your dad's thinking of grabbing a pizza and maybe some snacks from the Big Donut for dessert. He said sweet tea was no substitute for proper junk food. What do you think?"

"Oh, um, actually, could we maybe get a salad or something? I, uh, I'm not really in a donut mood if that's okay."

"Really?! Peridot must be a miracle worker. I can't remember the-"

* * *

In the burning room, Jasper was seated in front of Citrine's mural, the light of tiny votive candles flickering on the copy of _The Return of the King_ open in the Quartz' lap.

> _'Where are you going, Master?' cried Sam, though at last he understood what was happening._
> 
> _'To the Havens, Sam,' said Frodo._
> 
> _'And I can't come.'_
> 
> _'No, Sam. Not yet anyway, not further than the Havens. Though you too were a Ring-bearer, if only for a little while. Your time may come. Do not be too sad, Sam. You cannot be always torn in two. You will have to be one and whole, for many years. You have so much to enjoy and to be, and to do.'_
> 
> _'But,' said Sam, and tears started in his eyes, 'I thought you were going to enjoy the Shire, too. For years and years, after all you have done.'_
> 
> _'So I thought too, once. But I have been too deeply hurt, Sam. I tried to save the Shire, and it has been saved, but not for me. It must often be so, Sam, when things are in danger: someone has to give them up, lose them, so that others may keep them. But you are my heir: all that I had and might have had I leave to you. And also-’_

Large, wet tears fell upon the page and Jasper clutched the book like a shipwreck survivor to a piece of flotsam.

The Perfect Quartz had endured much. Millennia of war; seeing friends poofed, shattered, corrupted; she'd been blasted and skewered and burned and crushed; she'd been stabbed in the back both literally and metaphorically; she'd felt the rush of true power and seen the depths of fathomless rage; she'd survived crashing spacecrafts, crashing buildings, and, once, a crashing continent.

In all of this, she had never wavered. Jaspers endured, and she endured perfectly.

But no gem is invulnerable. After all, if struck in the right place and with the right amount of force, even a diamond can be shattered.

* * *

For a time Jasper was insensate. Then she opened her eyes as though to see through them for the first time. 

She saw...

Citrine striding over a battlefield, sword raised, with a battered but fierce-looking Jasper at her side; the silhouettes of countless other gems, some fleeing, others kneeling, surrounded them.

But then her gaze fell and she saw a book, the pages damp and the text ilegible until what looked to be Frodo attempting to comfort his fast companion, Sam.

> _Your hands and your wits will be needed everywhere. You will be the Mayor, of course, as long as you want to be, and the most famous gardener in history; and you will read things out of the Red Book, and keep alive the memory of the age that is gone, so that people will remember the Great Danger and so love their beloved land all the more. And that will keep you as busy and as happy as anyone can be, as long as your part of the Story goes on._

Jasper wiped moisture from the paper as best she could. She set the book down gently at the base of the mural and then rose to her feet. Squaring her massive shoulders, she walked over to the temple door and willed it open.

"-then, if you reattach the wires there and there --very good, Connie-- the new compressor should... Oh, greetings, Jasper." // "JASPER!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The _Return of the King_ excerpts were from [this source](https://archive.org/stream/TheLordOfTheRing1TheFellowshipOfTheRing/The%20Return%20Of%20The%20King_djvu.txt).
> 
> This picture represents another collaboration between MJStudioArts and BurdenKing; we’re lucky to have two talented artists on the team. Additionally, here’s the original design image for Peridot’s new look which MJStudioArts first drew back on February 10th (almost exactly six months ago). This new look for Peridot has been anticipated for quite some time.
> 
>   
> This marks the end of _Perfect Parenting_ as well as Jasper’s brief but eventful careers in house sitting and ~~baby~~ teen sitting. Tune in next Wednesday for the start of **Episode 13: Giant Problem**
>
>>  
>> 
>>  
>> 
>> Connie is helping Doug move into his Beach City apartment, and so is… Priyanka. Later Peridot, Jasper, and Connie go on a sweltering mission to capture the elusive Earth Beetle.
> 
>   
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


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